Autism Awareness month and World Autism Awareness day

Tomorrow kicks off Autism Awareness month.  Although I am aware of this every day I try and make others aware of what Autism is.  My son has come such a long way and continues to make more and more progress every day!

April 2nd is World Autism Awareness day and Light it up Blue!! So let's do it big and LIGHT THE WHOLE WORLD UP BLUE!!!!

You can go to Autism Speaks, Light it up Blue website to download your own logo and proudly display it on your blog, web site or Facebook profile!! Thank you for the support!!!

Time to meet my embabies!

Yet again I have been slacking big time. It's been awhile since I have posted and I promise to catch you up but wanted to post before the big day tomorrow.
Tomorrow is transfer day! Time to meet my embabies and introduce them to their nice warm home for the next 9 months!! It's so hard to wrap my head around this! It's all so unreal! Staying positive and looking forward to a bright future with my family. :)

Growing Follies

Going to try this again as the first post vanished in thin air!!

Today I went in for a follie check and ultrasound.  Lining is looking good at 5.  I have 6 follies in the RO and 5 in the LO.  A good sign I think is that usually the RE has a very hard time finding my LO as it's very high up there.  Not today!  KMFX that it is a good sign!

Blood work came back as Progesterone is 0.5, Estrogen is at 593 (she did want to see it between 100-200, so I will take that number) and LH is 2.

Keeping positive that all of those follicles grow together nicely.

Moving forward and staying positive!

Day 1 of OUCH!!

 Today was my first day of injections.  I have done Follistim in the past and it has been painless besides the few bruises here and there, but holy shitzky!! That Menopur needle hurt like a MO FO!  I started to cry and my husband laughed and said "how many more days of this do you have to do?"
He was nice and helped mix and draw up the Menopur, maybe I will have him give me the injection tomorrow!  :-O  I know I am brave!

Thankfully, I went to acupuncture today as I have been dealing with some anxiety out of nowhere.  To the point that yesterday I had to take half a Xanax to get myself together.  I am not sure if it was the build up for todays injections or just thinking to far ahead.  Who knows I guess I will wait and see how I am tomorrow.

 I will do my grow follie grow dance and hope that they all grow nice and together!!  I will be seeking it from the inside out!  Thinking positive and moving ahead!!

Suppressed!!

It's rather funny that we go through our younger years being on birth control to prevent pregnancy and then we try and have children whether it be our first, second or third and our f**ked up bodies don't cooperate!  You think what the hell?!?  It's mind boggling!

So, I sent my hubby to get my refill on my pre-natals and he calls me and says how much are they usually.  I told him around $40.  He then tells me that he just paid $67 and that was with a $20 discount!  Scratching my head, I say WTF?!?  Call my insurance and sure as shit I have exhausted my Pharmacy benefits and it's ONLY MARCH!!  Oh boy!!  Happy Day! Thankfully, I saw my therapist today and was able to handle this and process it a lot better than usual.

I went into the RE's office for my suppression check to make sure that the birth control did it's job.  Thankfully it did, my lining is thin which is ok and she thinks if AF shows up it will only be light.  My Estrogen level is 30 and Progesterone is 0.2 which is perfect and indicative that I have not ovulated.  So we are moving forward and Thursday I will start with my injections.  The stimulating phase!!  I still can't believe this is all happening!  Thinking positive and feeling good.. Hopefully this feeling stays with me for the next few weeks.  

This and that and a lot in between!

3/6/13-  Hubby and I went into the RE's office to sign our consent forms.  I had been reading over them during the week and realized that my insurance company will not cover Cryopreserve, which is really stupid because what happens if I have to cancel the cycle and pick it back up again.  So we had to sign off that we would pay for that and have them frozen if need be.  The RE told us that less than 1/3 of her patients have to cancel their cycles and due to my age, she does not think I will have any embryos left over to freeze.  Yeah my eggs suck! lol


3/7/13 - Woah! My Meds came and lets just say I was a bit overwhelmed! I have done Follistim before on my other injectable cycle so I am ok with that but I think all of the Meds together was just a lot to take in. Not to mention they sent me a 1 1/2 inch needle and when I saw that I almost fell over.
I got ahold of myself and my hubby came home and laughed at the amount of Meds (not in a bad way but in a woaaahh way). So now we wait for my suppression check on the 12th and to start on the 14th.
It's all so real now..... WOW!

3/9/13 - Thank goodness this is the last day of these damn BCP, they have made me a raging lunatic.  My poor husband what he has had to endure while I have been on them.  I was a bitch on another level.  More like PSYCHO BITCH!!  :)

Appointments

Haven't posted in some time as time is always getting away from me.  Whether we are running around for OT, swim, basketball, gymnastics, therapy, acupuncture or just LIFE!  Phew, that's a lot of things that are always going on, not to mention RE appointments in between.

On 2/25/13, the hubby and I went into the RE's office for our IVF class to go over everything.  I think hubby was a little taken aback with everything but thankfully I wasn't as I have this great group of girls on FB that have shared with me their experience with IVF and basically what is to be expected. 

 Moving on and forward.. it's just a big shock to think that we have come to this.  Again, like I always say I never in a million years would have thought that this is what we would have to do to have a second child and obviously go through all the in between bullshit too!!

On 2/28/13, I went in for some pre IVF bloodwork and something that took me by surprise is that they offered some genetic bloodwork through Counsyl to be done.  I really didn't plan on getting any of that type of blood work done prior, but I said what the heck. Might as well.  I need to dot all of my I's and cross all of my T's.  Then on that day my RE also did the mapping and that went rather quickly and was painless.

Looking over paperwork this past weekend, I noticed that the other facility which will be assisting in the IVF, charges an astronomical price for Cyropreservation of the embryos. I truly believe it's because of where I live, that they can get away with charging that much money, but I think it's a load of crap.  We will probably have to sign off to have it done if need be because if the cycle gets cancelled for some reason and they have good embies, then I will be SOL and have to redo the whole cycle and uhh yeah that would really suck!!!  Thankful though that my insurance is mostly picking everything up, so I guess I really can't complain about this cost.

Today the hubby and I went into the RE's office for our injection class.  Most of it was easy as I have done Folllistim before, but when she got to the Menopur and started talking about drawing up and pushing in and swirling and pushing and woaaaaahhhh!! That's a lot!  I am sure it will all work out but I was on information overload.  We go back in on Wednesday to sign consent forms.  It's all real.. we are on our way!  EEEeeeeekkk!

Moving on and forward.. thinking positive and staying in the now is all I can do!

Getting "IT"

For the past 4 years I have been dealing with people trying to "get it", to try to understand what I am going through.  Whether it be about Autism,  infertility and everything else in between that has happened in my life.  I look sometimes to the people who are closest to me and I feel as if sometimes I am talking to a brick wall.  It's very frustrating and continues to happen and some days I don't even want to divulge any information of what is going on as if I feel I am always getting let down.  

Today was one of those days and yeah probably yesterday was too.  So I constantly look to my hubby for support and I thank my lucky stars that he is so supportive of everything we go through.  I really think that if it wasn't for all of this "crap" we have gone through that our marriage wouldn't be as strong as it is.  So that is my positive from all of this "crap".

But SERIOUSLY,  why can't people just "GET IT"!!!!!!!

Seriously!

Don't give me that god bullshit! I'm so sick and friggin tired of hearing that its gods plan and what he wants! Well if you are offended by this, move on from here then! If not keep reading!
So you mean to tell me that it was gods plan to give me a child with autism, it was his plan to make me have 2 miscarriages and another pregnancy with a baby that had parts of his brain missing!?!?! Really this is a plan? A pretty fu**ed up one if you ask me! His plan to make innocent children suffer and die from cancer? What is that called? His plan? What lesson does that teach? What do they say? With god all things are possible? WTH does that mean to those parents who have lost their children? Their YOUNG AND INNOCENT CHILDREN!!! People need to think before they open up their damn traps. No, this shit is called real life and whether you pray or not pray bad shit happens to you. You as a person is what gets you through it. To each his own and your beliefs!

Think what you want of me with the decisions i have made for me and my family. I am fine with my decision and not one i ever wanted to make but i had to and it was the right one for myself and my loved ones!

Doesn't god preach to not place judgement on others?? It's funny as those who preach the loudest are those that judge the hardest! Shame on you!

CD 3 & BCP start!

I about had a panic attack getting ready to go to the RE's office and thankfully for my fellow IF friends they helped me out.
I cried, I wasn't sure why I was crying but I cried and it felt good.  I almost feel as if this is the end of the road and in actuality it may be.  I have decided to stay strong and positive throughout this and if I need to keep myself in a bubble and not deal with the outside world for the next 6 weeks so I can get a BFP, then I will.

The visit went well, blood work was done and ultrasound as well.  I made my next appointment for the IVF class, got my rx for BCP and collected the hubby's SA specimen cup and instructions for him and I went on my way.  My RE emailed me my protocol and tentative schedule which looks like this:

February18-Start BCP

March 9 -Take last BCP

March 12 -Return for suppression check (blood work and ultrasound)

March 14- Begin Follistim Pen 225 units & Menopur 75 units (1 vial in 0.5 ml saline) in the evening

March 18, 20,22, etc- Return to the office for follicle monitoring with blood work and us (sometime during this week I will also start Ganirelix 250 mcg every evening)

March 25-30 - Egg retrieval most likely during this week and transfer 3 or 5 days later!!!!!!

It's ALL so real now!  I will continue with seeing my therapist who is a lifesaver and has helped me so much through all of my life moments and trials and tribulations which I will get to tell you sometime in the near future and I will also continue to do acupuncture (which is phenomenal and SO relaxing).

"The most important thing in this world is to learn to give out love and let it come in." ~Morrie Schwartz

"Life will bring you pain all by itself. Your responsibility is to create joy." ~Milton Erickson

Day off, HA!!

Day off, what's that? It's Presidents' Day and everyone is off but us. We may not have school but OT is a must to keep some type of routine for my little guy. So I sit in the waiting room waiting for him to finish.

He seems to not want to listen today either as he decided to dump water all over my dish rack after I just finished putting my kitchen back together. Nice big puddle to clean up! 😹

Freaking!

What a crazy day.  I woke up this morning and I was in such a foul mood and was yelling at the hubby.  Then we are getting ready to go out and he closes my sons fingers in the bathroom door (by accident).  My son started crying hysterically (he has a very high threshold of pain and usually doesn't cry when he gets hurt) so I knew he was really hurt.  I wanted to cry for him and take away his pain.  I think hubby felt really bad too, so I had to give him the lecture of making sure he knows where his sons extremities are when he is closing and opening doors.  

In retrospect I know why I was in such a craptastic mood earlier.  I have been freaking out a little bit about tomorrow and I am not really sure why. Well, I know why.  This is a HUGE step for me and the hubby.  In hopes of completing our family.  I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and having to talk myself back to sleep as my heart starts to race and I get monkey mind....yes, monkey mind is a real thing... see for yourself  http://yoga.about.com/od/howtospeakyoga/g/monkeymind.htm  

We had a birthday party to go to today and I was speaking with one of my hubby's cousins and she said  to me "oh if God doesn't want you to have another child then you won't"!  I get mad when people say things like this to me.  What I am a bad person and don't deserve to have another child? I really try and take what people say to me with a grain of salt but that just struck me the wrong way.  Probably another reason why I stay home with my hubby and my son instead of going out.  I am always afraid of what people will say and how I will respond as I am known to give a good tongue lashing.  I know this girl didn't mean any harm so I let her off the hook! :)

Moving right along on our journey!! BCP here I come!

Trying...

For some reason today was difficult for me to try and stay positive. I really am trying. I need to say this to myself often.

CD 1

Can't believe this is happening, CD 1.  We are on our way to IVF. 

 Never in a million years would I ever think that I would have to do IVF to have a second child.  Who am I  kidding, never in a million years would I think half of the crap that happened in my life would ever happen to ME!!!